It has been nearly three years since I came to this school. I made a few friends, but I was a figure that remained unobtrusive and silent. I do not talk very much. The school promoted a sense of community, but I felt disconnected. Anti-social, one could describe me as. I even felt distant from my classmates. I also do not speak as one could say fluently. I constantly stutter and lose my voice when talking. What am I doing. Why am I here. Self hatred overwhelms me at every moment in a conversation. It gets worse when I am around girls. Oh boy, it is bad. French, is coed and I do not feel the least bit comfortable. Everybody, it feels knows me as the good but quiet kid. I wish everyone could forget I exist, so I do not have to worry what people think of me.
Ah, my experiences of girls is actually quite a sad one. We move quite frequently due to a family member being in the military, and as a result, I frequently become distant from friends. Especially one time, in elementary school, there was this one girl who was really nice to me. I was a bit clueless, the whole concept of boyfriend and girlfriend. This was the time I really began to understand it. I found it interesting and in certain instances, quite amusing. And about that one girl? I finally realized that she liked me the last day I was at that school. I wish I had known, but what can I do now? It has been a long time.
Including my very short experience with girls thus far, I decided not to become too close to any girl for the matter. I guess I was frustrated. Not worth the effort I tell myself, even now…
Yet in the school I currently attend now, I have feeling toward the opposite sex, predictably. I guess I am too discouraged. There are some girls that I suspect like me, but speculation will only take you so far. That is my current state, lost.
–END–
