I WISH TO BE VIRGIN AGAIN

Seeing the live size photo of our marriage hanging on the wall of our bedroom, standing asides each other and his jolly hockey sticks grin , me trying to smile but could not due to heavy makeup, heavy lengha and lights , my parents spend their hard earn money on the marriage which  according to me would not have last even a month, not because he is a bad guy because I loved someone but that someone at the time of commitment  gave me nonsense of good job, big bucks salary; basically he had commitment phobia which I came to know when my parents were seriously in search of a groom and I told him to meet my parents for our marriage and he left the city the very day.

What a looser he was and what a biggest loser I was that could not handle the betrayal of my boyfriend, so I accepted this marriage proposal assuming that everyone has to marry some day so what’s the big deal in this; but I forgot its marriage a commitment for life. I have to see this man, serve him, ignore his bad habits, adjust with his family and aaha! Love him. Here comes the twist for which I wasn’t ready.

We got married and it was final that I have to leave my parents abode and settle down with this man for the entire life. I was crying partially due to emotions for my parents and partially due to headache. Well the entire journey from my place to his place lasted for 30 min, the whole house was lit up, relatives were standing outside to receive us, the kids were making noise and I was getting irritated with all this, the soon I wanted this to end the more time it was taking.  The auntie’s of the world surrounded me and were scanning me from top to bottom, pretending to say things in each other ears but it sounds loud and clear to me, some said “the lengha is not heavy, my daughters lengha was heavier  than this” some said “even the jewellery is not according to the trend must be her mother’s old jewellery” then in the midst of all  this a kind hearted women came to my rescue  and said “be quite, she is very beautiful and now she is my daughter in law, come lets go to your room”  I was so happy, alas! I can sleep now.

The moment the bedroom door open, I wished I was sitting in the drawing room and listening to the bitching of the entire auntie’s. Why with me God? The room was decorated with roses and jasmine. If I would have accepted this marriage and my husband with all my heart then this would have been a pleasant surprise but this is a mockery of my emotions done by my own hands. How could I give myself this punishment? Not for once I thought that marriage is also surrendering yourself. She left me in the room and close the door, I was so petrified  and in all haste I started removing my hairdo, open my bags and quickly changed into a night gown and before he came  I slept.

Next morning when I woke up I saw him sleeping beside me in his shervani, I slowly got down from the bed but the sound of my anklets and bangles disturbed his sleep. He quickly got up and asked me “do you want something”

before he asks something else I said no and went to the washroom. I spend 30 min in the bathroom thinking what should I do next, how did I forgot that marriage also means sex and I can’t allow him to touch me as I don’t love him I don’t even accept him as my husband.  When I came out the tea was kept on the table. He served me tea and before he ask me anything I myself said “I was not well that’s why I slept”

he sipped the tea and asked “how are you feeling now, if you require medicine I will bring for you”

I just nod to his question and smile back to him. For hours we were locked in the same room, first he freshens up and then me, we didn’t talk to each other except the prerequisite.  We went outside and the moment we step out of the room all the auntie’s again “how was the night Mr. Groom” trying to find some kind of bites and suddenly the kind hearted women the one who saved me last night, my mother in law came to me and made us sit on the dining table; served breakfast and said “Priya (that’s me) don’t mind what all they are saying, they are just pulling your leg”

I smiled back to her and quickly finish my breakfast.

The day passed by knowing all the relatives and talking to the sweet kids, the marriage is such a tiring thing that how much sleep you get is not enough. Anyways while I was going back to my room, he came running behind me and handed me honeymoon tickets.  He was so happy and so unhappy I was but I didn’t say a word and went back to the room, leaving him alone in the lobby area. The night after dinner, we both were in our room sitting far from each other on the bed decorated with flowers. He stood up and sat near me; I also sat straight and was avoiding his sight.

He holds my hands and asked “were this marriage proposal was forced on you”

I knew why he is asking me, a bride always has her inhibitions towards the new family and the husband but at the same time she is cheerful and excited about the husband, the night and even the honeymoon but I showed no signs of happiness.

Before I answer he said “the honey moon to Switzerland is for 15 days and its after 15 days, till that time if you have any problem plz share with me as I don’t want to spoil my trip” saying this he left the room and that night I couldn’t sleep.

For 15 days Harsh (my husband) didn’t try coming near me and use to treat me just like a friend. We went out, we shared our college stories, and we shopped and watched movies. The more I know him the more I liked him and the more I cursed myself for loving some idiot and losing my asset my virginity on him. He shared likes and dislikes about his family so that I can easily adjust with them, he is a Doctor by profession so humanity is natural but being humble and down earth was his foundation.

The day came, he helped me packing my stuff and while he was packing his own stuff, suddenly the pack of contraceptives dropped on the floor, I picked it up and handed over to him and while taking it back he asked me “are you ready”

I forced my jaw, my lips to smile back to him but couldn’t and he said “why you are so petrified, come on you are 27 and this is a natural thing, I will help you out”

he was so confident that at once I asked him “have you done it before”

With a wicked smile he said  “I have never loved anyone in my life and I don’t believe in paid sex, I have read about it and watched videos”

one thing was sure about harsh he never lied so now he being virgin actually gave me a guilty feeling and I was sinking in my own guilt.

The whole trip I was just thinking about all this, cursing myself with each breath, wanted to forget everything about my past; he hold my hand and slept in the flight, I forced myself to sleep but disturbed heart and disrupted feelings; we landed and from airport to the hotel was a one hour drive. What a beauty Switzerland was, I forgot everything but the moment I reached hotel, again that sinking feeling was overpowering me.

We went to the room and held me tightly by waist and planted a kiss on me, to kiss him back was so natural and suddenly he said

“Wow you are a good kisser, I thought you are dumb”

he went to the bathroom and I sat on the bed thinking how easy is  for me to kiss him, it means I don’t even love my boy friend, how can I forget him so soon and love this man I hardly know?. I felt a jolt in my heart, he is such a nice person and I am deceiving him.

He came outside and open the suitcase and handed me a box wrapped up with a gift wrap, with a puzzle look I accepted and said

“What is this”

he came close to me and I smell his fresh breath “something you will like”

I opened it and it was the sexiest night gown I have ever come across. For a moment I became happy and hugged him and he hold me so closely and suddenly I realize what am I doing.

I went to the wash room and wore that gown, a perfect fit, he must have spend thousands behind it and what a waste, I do value it but I am not worthy for the gift,  didn’t want to go out in this and changed into my old clothes. When I open the door he stood up and gave a jolly hockey sticks grin which was suddenly changed into a puzzle look “what happen, it didn’t fit you”

I was feeling so bad to spoil his mood but I have to do this, I said “I am not feeling well, can I sleep”

poor soul but he has oodles of patience, he came close to me and made me lie on the bed and when I slept I don’t know.

When I got up I saw him sitting near the fireplace with a Switzerland trip brochure and the night gown. Without saying a word I went for the bath and changed into fresh clothes and asked him to eat out. He happily accepted that and we both went out and had lots of fun. It was not that chilling but a over coat was still required. We clicked photos, shopped and had food. while we were walking there was silence between us but a sudden physical attraction made us kiss each other on the road, it was deserted may be that was the reason. We both held each other’s hand and went to the room, I don’t want get back to the hotel as I can’t love him back and I realize that I have started loving him and I again cursed myself and pleaded that I wish I could be virgin again so that I can enjoy his first touch and can feel the essence of it for years.

We went back to the room and now there is no chance that I could stop him. Finally it happened which I didn’t want and which he so badly wanted but never forced me. When he kissed me and said he has never love any one in his life and after me he doesn’t want to love any one and we are for each other only. He slept in the crook of my arms and the whole night I was crying. Sobbing on my sin, on not being virgin, I so wanted to enjoy but during that I was just thinking of being virgin again and again. But what is lost you can’t get it back.

Next morning he woke up happily and found me sitting on the balcony, wearing the gown he gifted me. he came close to me and turned me towards him and became helpless seeing me crying, “what happen priya? Why are you crying? Sit here and tell me”

I hugged him and cried and he was constantly trying to console me, didn’t know what to say or what do to? I had to open up, I can’t cheat on someone I loved. I wiped my tears and said “I love you harsh” giving me a smile he hugged me and said “I love you to but why you are crying”

I held back and said “I am crying because I deceived you”

He was so much in confusion and more than that worried about me crying; I know what i am going to say and this will end this marriage but I have to tell him, I can’t hold this truth for long. I stood up from the chair and said

“Before this marriage I use to love to someone else and we were sure to get married but that man betrayed me and just after 15 days we got married, i loved him so much that we made love to each other; I am not a virgin”

Before I could continue he went inside the room and brought a glass of water for me, handed to me and asked “when I touch you do you feel his touch”

with a quizzed look “harsh you don’t understand what I want to say”

he stopped me in between and said in a calm voice “plz answer my question”

I looked straight into his eyes and said “no”

he again pose a question to me “do you love me and will love making love to me”

with all the love I have in my heart for this man who is standing in front of me, tears rolled down my eyes when I answered this “yes”

Wisdom doesn’t come with age it comes with experience of life and the perfect example is my husband harsh. Sitting in the room and seeing our marriage picture and honeymoon pictures in my lap I still remember his words for me;

“If you love me and my touch only makes you feel me and not someone else then you are virgin for me, being virgin is just a state of mind, its purity and honesty for me and not a state of body”

I kissed him as if it was my first and last kiss to him. I hugged him so tightly and rest 14 days of our honeymoon and today 14 yrs of marriage we still love each other as we loved then.

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