Love Short Story – He’s the World’s
Photo credit: Ladyheart from morguefile.com
It was the 31st of August’ 2011 when I fell in love with a man much older than i was. I was fifteen, and no this isnt some sappy love story based on the theme of pedophilia, its a story based on how bonds thicker than blood can fall prey to conventional norms and evaporate in mid air.
I saw him for the first time, fixing a stereo system on my best friends birthday. Crisp white shirt, vibrant skin and these guppy lips that made him fit into every girls criteria of “dreamy”. Me, wearing my heart on a sleeve waited for him to strike a conversation and make that night special for me. Lucky, I thought I was, he did say hi and a few hours later we were dancing. Not grinding, or thrusting, not even slow dancing, just dancing. Like how friends do. Exchanging numbers and Facebook ids, I left the party feeling attractive. A hot guy seemed like he wanted to get to know me, and damn, I wanted to get to know him too.
Long story short, we got close. Not sexual, but close. He told me he was 20 and I didnt care. So what right? age is but a number? why should the world tell me who to be friends with and who not? I loved him, for the great man he was and I didnt care if he was 30 or 40 because for the first time in my short lived life did I feel like there was someone listening on the other side of the phone at night , that there was someone watching over me when i was sick or upset, like I didnt need to be my own hero anymore.
I think he knew, how i felt about him. How could he not. I blushed everytime he complimented me, seeing him made my day and when he would hold me I’d dig my face deep into his neck and just stay there, because I never felt safer than I did when I was in his embrace. He watched over me, didn’t let guys near me, told me he loved me before he went to bed and I fell for it all, but to him we were “just friends”. So, to avoid conflict I agreed. But I always wondered, why did he hold me so tight every time we met, I dont think “friends” express affection like that, and why did he always say “I love you” with such intimacy, “friends dont do that” .
To calm myself , when I fell in doubt, I said “He is confused, and scared and that’s natural” . But it wasnt him who was confused, or scared, it was me. I was scared to let go of a guy who made me feel so contempt and beautiful and original, there was no guarantee that I’d find any other who would make me feel the same way.
He was like this accolade that i showed off to my friends and to everybody around me. So I’d ask him to tag along where ever I’d go. In the same intentions once him and I went to our near by local mall and walked around. He was talking about his previous family vacation as we walked past shoe stores and all of a sudden he grabbed my hand and ran. It felt so perfect. His hand in mine. I laughed out loud and ran at his pace while he led me into this area of the mall that was still under construction. No one was there, and he pushed me agaisnt the wall, looked straight into my eyes. The smell of his pungent after shave filled the air that covered the little distance between our faces. He clutched my hand tighter, and just stared, our noses touching, and in the second i closed my eyes to blink he buried his lips in mine, slowly creeked my mouth open and i could taste his tongue. After five seconds of perfection, he let go of my hand and whispered in my ear, “I’ll never stop loving you”.
I knew he was complex and hard to understand, but I wanted to be everything he needed. I think I was everything he needed.
In my mind that kissed sealed the deal. He still didnt talk about us being a couple but he never denied it either but i did now have the security of the fact that he loved me almost just as much as I loved him.
Four days later, I find myself in the same mall with him ,awaiting a friend of mine to come join us. He’d never met her before and I knew she was attractive but she wasnt smart. And I know this makes me seem so shallow, but she really wasnt wise or intelligent, Im not some Ghandi either but I did have the maturity to be able to understand the thoughts that boomed inside the most mysterious and emotionally complex man that I have met yet.
She came , her light brown hair open, dressed like she’d just got off the run way , her slim tall body walking towards us and her honey-wheat skin glistening. I looked up at him , and as we exchanged glances he said “I think she’s the prettiest girl yet to enter my life”.
I broke right there, yes, in jealousy but mostly in confusion. Has he forgotten that he kissed me four days ago? I thought. I hugged her, and she said “Hi” to him and he greeted her back. We went up to the second floor, to grab some food and they started talking. I didnt mind, I shrugged his earlier comment off. Soon while we talked, it faded to them talking and me listening. It was like I was reliving the time we first met, except I was the spectator and she was me. She got up to get herself a drink and he looked over at me and said “Why are you upset”
I said “Im not feeling well, so Im gonna head home, you give her company, you really like her don’t you?” .
Holding my tears back wishing he’d say something like “she’s no you” but instead I heard ” Ya I dont think I’v ever liked someone this much” I gave him a pat on the back and left. He didnt try to stop me.
Being selfless and my definition of a good friend I let her have him and I let him get her by moving myself out of their way because I didn’t want to hold him back and be that unnecessary soppy desperate girl that didn’t want her best friend to have the girl he’d always wanted because of her own selfish reasons. Reasons like 1) He was my first kiss
2) I gave him my all
3) He made me happy .
I got a call from him that night. “I feel so lonely, I feel like this is “love” and I feel like if I don’t get her I wont stop feeling so empty”.
Did he not even think about how I felt when he uttered all that. (And yes, Im crying as I type all this out.) I consoled him, told him she’d be lucky to have him. And he finally said “Are you okay with this?” and I held back every piece of my hurting soul and said “as long as youre happy Im happy”
“My happiness to a great extent lies in you, I’m only doing this so I don’t fixate on you, or we’ll be risking the great friendship we have and I dont want to do ever do that”-
And that was supposed to make everything better. I didnt argue. I was being the good friend. It burned such a great scar in me. That every time i think about it I have to tell myself the same things over and over again. “Youre smarter than her. Youre more mature. This makes you the better person. She may be prettier but youre hotter, right? right? ” Chants in my head.
His feelings for her lasted two months, they never became a couple or anything, but they flirted very openly and when she wasn’t around at times he’d say “I miss her” and bitterness would get the best of me and Id say “how do you miss someone you just met” then, like the good girl Id always had to be, I would apologize.
After he realized how they had no emotional compatibility , something he holds high in regard, he let the idea of her go. But dont expect me to just forget.
From then on whatever ‘I love yous”, hugs and intimate moments we exchanged were “friendly”. I didnt let it effect our friendship. But now he’s in university, oceans away. Im here and I miss him, but he treats me like an outsider. I still tell him i love him before i sleep, i still make sure he’s the first one to see my new haircut, and I make sure that he is the first to know about the events that take place in my life. He’s too busy with classes though. I guess I should give up, but I dont know whats holding me back.
Maybe it was how when I would be upset he would run all the way over t0 my house to cheer me up, or how even if he would have some big assignment due he would still stay up all night talking to me because i felt lonely or maybe it was how he jumped walls to enter my house and give me cupcakes on nights where id feel unattractive and it could be how he always knew what to say . I thought maybe if I type it all here it’ll become clearer. But the more I ache, the more i feel like i need him because Iv never felt as lonely and as scared as I have since he’s left. I thought age and distance cant part people. They cant, if you both dont want them too, but when its just one of you then theyre bound too.
He’s not a bad guy. He’s just not my guy. He’s the worlds.
__END__
