Aimless

She looked upwards and closed her eyes, the jets of water from the shower hitting her face like the June rain. She always took a shower soon after they made love. Her previous two lovers had been quite offended by this before. They had always expected her to reach out for some gentle cuddling as they fell asleep. But not Asha. She always took a shower after and often came back to bed looking and smelling more appealing, but never willing for another round of action.

Pradeep had surprisingly never been affected by this. He had never been offended by anything she said or did. In many ways, Asha felt that Pradeep was her perfect match. She knew she was not in love with him, she knew that she never could be, but she really liked him a lot. She enjoyed his company, his conversations, his lovemaking and everything else about him. For the first time, she was fully comfortable in a relationship.

She looked at his sleeping figure on her bed and smiled to herself. He turned over and opened one sleepy eye, and grinned at her. She grinned back. “Sleep”, she whispered softly to him and went into the living room to watch TV for sometime.

He got up from bed sleepily and followed her into the living room and sat next to her on the couch, holding her close.

“I’m going to miss you Ashu, I don’t know how I will manage these three months without you”

“Actually, I think that you are going to totally forget about me by the time I return”, she laughed.

“Promise me you won’t ditch me for some Dutchman”

“That, I cannot promise”

They sat on the couch talking for some time. She had to leave toAmsterdamthe next day for a project. It was almost two in the morning when they got up and went back to bed.

Pradeep often wondered at the enigma she was. She was not the stereotyped mistress. She was not the sad, lonely, rejected woman, desperately seeking comfort in any willing arms. Nor was she the vamp, seducing horny men with her heady perfume and displays of skin. Those were the only images he could conjure up of the Other Woman, courtesy Indian cinema. She never threw tantrums of being neglected on holidays. She never issued any ultimatums to him to tell his wife about them. She never gave him those frustrating missed calls to check if he was available. She accepted what he could give her, and gave back what she could.

 

It was not like Asha had wanted to be the Other Woman. It had just happened, just like everything else in her life. She just stepped into it like taking on a new job, or shifting to a new city. This arrangement gave her all the freedom and space that she needed and she didn’t give anything else a second thought. She knew she couldn’t be termed as a home breaker because she never wanted him to leave his wife. She had left the doors open for him to walk out anytime he wanted. She felt no guilt.

Geography had designed the initial blueprint. His family was in one end of the city, where his wife was a teacher in the school his children studied and he worked in the outskirts of the city on the other end where all the IT parks were. Technically, it was the same city, but in reality it might as well have been on two different continents. It was sheer hell for him commuting for almost six hours a day. So he had rented an apartment closer to his office and went home on weekends. Asha was a software engineer in the same IT Park and they always met while walking up from the parking lot to the lifts.

She was on the fourth floor and he was on the sixth.

One day they had met up for a cup of coffee after work. What had been initial friendly meetings at the coffee house had one afternoon turned into a steamy session in bed. No one had planned it, no one had initiated it. It had just happened. He had been very apologetic and had tried to explain to her that he was caught up in the moment, and had done her a great injustice.

“So, that’s it?” she had asked very casually.

He was taken aback, fumbling with words, not knowing how to explain that he was a fully committed man who loved his wife and children. He was very attracted to Asha and that fire in her eyes burned up his insides each time she looked at him. But, he had never intended the relationship to take this turn, and he had never given her the usual “My wife doesn’t understand me” stories to try to get her to bed. That was what had made him more upset, knowing that he didn’t take advantage of her willingly. “I could never leave my family” he said helplessly.

“Did I ask you?” she asked, with the same, careless tone.

“See Pradeep, I like you. I like Us. We were good together as friends and now I think we are good together as lovers. I don’t want to end it. Of course, you have a wife. So if you feel guilty that you are cheating on her then that’s fine with me. Otherwise I don’t see anything wrong in continuing. It is not like I’m asking you to divorce her and marry me just because we slept together once. And it’s not even like we are in love or anything.”

It was every man’s fantasy, such a situation. But Pradeep was not such a shallow person who would use a woman just for sex, however willing she was. He was genuinely attracted to Asha. He even thought that he had actually helplessly fallen in love with her some time back, but didn’t dare to tell her that now after she had dismissed the emotion so casually. And even if she acknowledged it he knew there was nothing that he could do to take it any further.

So he swallowed all his emotions and they had just moved into the relationship without any discussions or conditions. Once he had suggested that he move in with her.

“It is your own house, so there won’t even be any landlord problems” he had told her.

“No Pradeep, that is not a good idea” she said, closing the topic with no further explanations.

That was exactly the situation she didn’t want. She needed space. Lots of it. She just couldn’t spend her life with another person in her face 24/7. She had her own small group of friends that she went out with sometimes, partying late. Most of them were not from her field of work. They were from other fields where minds were more open and understanding. Where having a drink was not frowned upon and immediately judged. They knew about Pradeep and had even met him a couple of times on trips together, but Asha didn’t include him actively into that circle. She carefully segregated this aspect of her life, just the way she had separated her professional life from her social life.

She was such a mystery to him. He knew that Asha was not a woman of loose morals. In fact she had such strong beliefs in everything. They had deep debates over many issues and he had admired her strong conviction in everything that she believed in.

At first he thought that this character was the result of some deep psychological disturbance or emotional turmoil that she was covering up with a façade. But Pradeep soon realized that it was just not that. This was who she was. A cloud that drifts across the sky, blowing with the wind, taking on any shape size and colour. Like rain that falls everywhere. Letting nature mould her instead of being molded by somebody else’s rules.

With her family too, she had a very cordial relationship. Her visits once in three months had slowly become spread apart and for the past two years she had gone home only for Diwali. She hardly exchanged words with her father these days other than the obligatory courtesies. He could not understand how his daughter had grown up into the careless piece of driftwood. She was so unattached and careless. With her mother too, there was just the necessary amount of attachment. Nothing more.

They had laughter and happiness for five days a week. She got her space whenever she wanted and life seemed to be just perfect for both of them.

Pradeep felt his emotions growing stronger and stronger for her as the days went by. Each weekend he went back home to his wife and children, but soon found himself desperately wishing for Monday mornings to see her again. And Monday nights to hold her in his arms again.

He knew that he was jeopardizing his family life, but couldn’t bear to tear himself away from Asha. He knew that this relationship was already at a dead end. He tried not to ask himself any questions that he had no answers for. He put those feelings to the back of his mind and learnt to take each day as it comes. Just like her.

There were no past or future in their relationship. Just wonderful moments of happiness.

A year had passed by like a dream for both of them. Life seemed to be just perfect. Both of them didn’t care about their tomorrows. Their Todays were in heaven.

 

It was a sultry May night and the moonlight cast long shadows on their bed. It was past midnight but both of them were wide awake, talking.

She had returned fromAmsterdamtwo weeks ago and they were lying in bed holding each other. He had not gone home that weekend and they had spent the entire two days together.

“I missed you like hell, Pradeep” she said, holding him tight. He smiled to himself. It was not like her to express any emotion. It always amused him, the way she always tried to sound unattached and careless, when she actually felt the opposite.

“What did you miss most about me?” he asked

“This?” he kissed her face.

“Or This? Or This?” he said playfully running his fingers all over her body, tickling her. She giggled like a child. He loved those rare moments when she let go of her guarded emotions and became his totally.

“Hey, is that a nubbin?” he laughed holding her breasts in his cupped palms.

She suddenly looked up at him with a start. She glared at him for a moment, her eyes burning and violently pushed him away. She got up and walked into the bathroom, naked. She stood in front of the mirror staring at her breasts. It was almost visible now, pushing through her skin like a pea stuck in a sock. She sighed deeply and kept staring blankly in the mirror, fighting back tears that were threatening to pour out any minute.

A few minutes later he opened the door and stood behind her, holding her from behind, cupping the breast in his palms again. “Hey, I’m sorry. I thought I was being funny, I didn’t realize that it could…. It didn’t occur to me… Ashu… please…I’m sorry. Have you seen a doctor?” She leaned back on him, looking into his eyes in the mirror and slowly shook her head.

“Why not?” he asked angrily.

“I don’t know Pradeep”, she said, her voice barely a hoarse whisper “I just don’t know.”

“We’ll go tomorrow”, he said firmly and let her back to bed.

“And how come I never noticed it earlier?” he mumbled to himself softly, sounding helpless, guilty.

There were tears brimming in her eyes. For the first time he saw that girl he had so wanted to see in her, helpless, wanting. Like a child lost in a crowd. That night he held her like she was a piece of delicate crystal. She shed silent tears that he felt as warm drops on his bare chest. She slept soundly, while he lay wide awake till dawn.

They went to the hospital the next day and took the necessary tests.

He took her to a temple that afternoon. She watched him pray reverently in front of each deity, eyes closed, hands folded. He looked like a ten year old boy just before his exam results. Asha smiled, touched by his love and total faith. He was storming the heavens for her while she was standing there angry with all the Gods. The priest caught her staring at Pradeep instead of the idol and looked at her disapprovingly. She backed away and stood leaning near a pillar, waiting for Pradeep to return.

He came to her, forehead smeared with the sacred ash from each deity. He looked at her bare forehead with mock anger and took out some prasad from the piece of paper in his hand. He applied the sacred ash between her eyebrows and then took a pinch of the red sindoor and applied it above the ash.

He looked deep into her eyes and smiled, “If this was a movie, it means we are married”

She smiled, turned away from him and let out a deep sigh. She suddenly realized that she wished it was true.

That night he slept holding her tightly in his arms, not willing to let her out of his touch even for a moment. She felt a sudden surge of emotion take over. She looked up at the sleeping figure beside her.

“I love you Pradeep.” she whispered.

It was the first time she had actually said the words.

”I think I always have”

He opened his eyes and looked at her.

“I know” he whispered back.

 

“I want to go alone Pradeep. Understand ” she said almost pleadingly.

Her emotions were mixed. She was desperate for his support, but didn’t want him to be with her when she got the reports from the hospital.

As always, he understood.

He nodded, “But call me as soon as you get it”

“Something tells me, everything is going to be alright” he said and kissed her.

“I know” she said, kissing him back

 

“Why?” That was the only thing the doctor had said when she handed her the report.

“You are such an educated woman. Why didn’t you come earlier?”

She didn’t answer.

I was terrified doctor. I knew what it was. That’s why I didn’t come.

The prognosis was not very reassuring, but the doctor certainly was. “We will start the treatment immediately. Come tomorrow. I don’t have to tell you much, I’m sure you know everything, but be prepared”

Asha nodded silently. She picked up the report and walked out of the room. The white corridors seemed endless, getting narrower, closing in on her. Something screamed inside her head. She rushed to her car and drove straight, aimlessly. After what seemed like endless hours, she pulled up near a small beach.

The blazing midday sun hit her hard as she walked on the sand. She and her short shadow were the only ones on the beach. She just kept walking, not knowing what and when to start thinking. She sat on a small rock and stared blankly at the ocean.

An image of herself, bald, weak and retching violently flashed through her mind. No way, she thought. She did not notice the tears that had started flowing down her cheeks, slowly and silently.

Thank God I don’t have to worry about leaving behind a husband, to give my blessings for him to marry again. Thank God I don’t have to worry about how she is going to look after my son. Thank God I don’t have worry about not being able to see my daughter’s wedding.

Thank God.

Thank God I don’t have anything.

Thank God I don’t have anyone.

Pradeep’ face flashed through her mind. She smiled to herself sadly.

But he was not hers. He was never hers. He never could be.

She suddenly felt alone.

She slowly took out the report from the envelope. She read it again.

“I’m not going to let you win” she said out loud. Fiercely.

She tore the report into tiny pieces, placed it in her palm and blew it like magic kisses.

The pieces fluttered helplessly and fell softly around her on the sand like snowflakes.

She got up and walked towards the ocean.

She kept on walking, deeper and deeper until the sea stretched out a long white laced arm and gently welcomed her in.

__END__