My Own Sky

It was an extremely chilled evening in beginning of January I was outside a big bungalow in a posh colony of South Delhi.  I introduced my self to the gatekeeper “Hi I am Aarti, I am from Lipika  placements, Is Mrs. Bhalla at home”

Guard greeted me and escorted me to the living room inside. The bungalow was quite big with a comparative simple décor. There were sitting Mr. & Mrs Bhalla, Mr Bhalla on Wheel chair and Mrs Bhalla on a recliner chair just next to him. When guard introduced me Mrs Bhalla stood up and gave me a warm welcome.

Mr. & Mrs. Bhalla are NRI they wanted to spend the last years of their life in their motherland. Both had crossed their sixties and like elders of every rich family had the common problems of high BP and Diabetes in addition Mr Bhalla had undergone a knee operation last month thus was on wheel chair will take another month to recover. Both of their sons were settled in US and to fulfill their duties they had appointed a full brigade of servants to take care of their parents.

I was appointed as care taker apart from me their was one driver Mahesh, two guards Bhuvan and Rajan, Cook Neelam, Domestic maid Neera and Neetu. One maid Anita was to take care about the little puppy they had just bought.

I had to supervise the whole brigade so that Mrs Bhalla  could spend all her valuable time in Bhajan Kirtan and Mr Bhalla in reading.

After introducing me with every one Mrs Bhalla told one of the guard Rajan to take my  luggage to the room next to pooja ghar. Meanwhile Neera came with evening tea with a variety of snacks.

“Neera show Aarti Ji her room”

“Aarti Ji Please go with her do your unpacking, Just ask her if you require anything. I am leaving for evening pooja in a temple near by, see you on Dinner table”

Neera escorted me to my room on first floor. The room was much bigger than my own bedroom in my own house and it had all the amenities which a luxurious hotel room has, It has an attached bathroom and a big window from which the entrance gate and the complete lawn  was clearly visible.

I asked Neera to sit down and started a chit chat with her while doing my unpacking. Neera told me that Mr. & Mrs. Bhalla are really generous couple and treat all of them well. Although they are not hard task masters but are much disciplined and focuses more on calmness and cleanliness.

After around 10 Minutes Neera asked my permission to leave as she had to help Neelam in dinner. Before leaving the room she asked a question which everybody over there might be curious to be answered and I was not willing to face it.

“Maam I have heard Mr. and Mrs. Bhalla talking that your son is an engineer and is working in Bangalore at a very good post and also your husband is a lecturer then why have you joined here for the job of a care taker.”

All I could do was to change the topic by asking her a cup of coffee.

I was thinking about Neera’s question. Anybody would like to know why despite of  belonging from an upper middle class family I opted for the job of a care taker in my late 40’s when I myself may require a care taker for me 10 years down the line.

The ring of my mobile phone broke the chain of thoughts. On seeing the name on the screen a smile which seldom appears on my face covered it. It was Lipika my daughter in law and the only person in this whole universe whom I can say have understood my pain. She was the only one who stood by my side when my own son was not there.

“Hey Mom Have you reached there”  asked lipika from the other side.

I replied “Ya just half an hour before.”

Lipika : Howz everything there

Me : The house is quite big. My room is too good to my expectations. Mr & Mrs Bhalla also seems to be nice. I hope I will be alright here.

Lipika : Don’t worry Mom I have enquired everything about them you will at an ease of your own home and if there is any problem you can always come back to me.

Me : Sure dear. Is Ishant around?

Lipika : No he is out on a official tour to Mumbai.

Me : he will get very angry to you if he comes to know that you helped me in getting  this job.

Lipika : don’t worry mom. Well mom there is a call from client catch you later. Take good care of yourself and do call twice a day atleast.

Me: Bye beta. God Bless you.

 

Ishant My only son works as a project Manager in Bangalore and Lipika runs a Placement agency which provides domestic help in all major cities in India. One of the best couple I have ever seen they were married last year.  The first time I met lipika she became my first ever friend in life. Her sitting by my side makes me feel comfortable and my 30 years old complaint from God that Why he hadn’t made any good and normal relationships for me came to an end.

Sitting in the room alone and thinking over the Neera’s question once again I spoke to my self can the answer of this question be given in a line it s a story of 35 years.

I Aarti the Only child of my parents was spending my life with full pleasure and leisure when suddenly My Mother left me alone at the age of 6. And left back were my Grand Mother and My Father who was in Indian Army and was most of time away from home. Me and my Dadi use to stay alone in the huge three bedroom house. In her older age Dadi used to be ill frequently, It was our neighbor Subha Aunty who was of our great help in those days. She use to get me ready for school and make food for Me and Dadi whenever dadi couldn’t make it. A special bond was developed between me and Shubha aunty. I loved here like my mother.

Dilip Subha auntie’s son was around 5 years older than me. He was studying in a hostel in Dehradoon. Time passed by slowly and steadily. Subha auntie’s house became my second home.

 

I was of 17 years My class XIIth results were out when Dilip came back after completing his post graduation from Aligarh. He took me to market saying that he will buy a gift for me for my goods marks scored. In the mid way we stopped at a PCO and gave me a chit having a number and asked me to give a call on that no. and ask for Veena. I did the same when Veena came on line he told me to stand out of PCO and wait. After nearly 10 minute he came out. Although I was young but not so young that I couldn’t understand that Veena was his girlfriend. After this our visits to market became regular. Dilip use to take me to market, we would stop at PCO, He would buy an ice-cream or candy for me, after calling Veena I will stand outside the PCO and wait, then we move back to home.

Love cant be hidden, Shubha aunty easily came to find out that her son is into some affair, she was right but In her view I was the one whom Dilip loved. Things would have worked fine if Dilip had introduced Veena to her mother and had clear her misunderstanding. But destiny was something else. 6 months later Shubha aunty had a paralytic Attack and Veena got married with somebody else, this threw Dilip in depression. As I was aware of the whole thing sympathy for Dilip grew in my heart. I use to take care of Subha Aunty and Dilip like a family member. She under her misunderstanding about my and Dilips relation was making plans for us to get married.

It was December of 1986 when my father came on a leave to Delhi. I was only in first year of my graduation and merely 18 years 3 months old when Shubha aunty put the proposal on My wedding with Dilip in front of my father. I was totally in shock. I was good at studies and I had different plans for myself. I wanted to be self dependent. I wanted fly and touch the sky. Thought of marriage let alone with Dilip whom I know was madly in love with someone else was not at all acceptable.  I pleaded that I want to study and they replied you can study after marriage as well.

My father and dadi was totally in favor of this relation and so was the God. A weak later a massive heart attack took my Dadi away from me leaving me all alone. My father’s request for extending the leaves was rejected by his command. My father emotional arguments forced me to agree to this proposal.  Against my all expectations Dilip also had agreed for the wedding it might be because of Shubha aunty would have forced him or he himself might have thought I would prove to be the best daughter in law for her . Only 15 days after my Dadi demise On 13 Jan 1987 I was Mrs. Aarti Dilip Anand.

The only thing which was good in this wedding was Shubha Aunty was extremely happy. One year later Ishant came in our life. At the age of 20 I was a mother and got engrossed in a new set of responsibilities and the scope of continuing studies does not exists any more. I who wanted to fly in the sky seldom use to come out of roof of my house. Ishant and Shubha Aunty now my Mom were the only ropes which dragged this marriage for 26 years.

Both of us even didn’t share a friendly relation let alone Love which is the lifeline of any wedding. There was a frozen Ice between us which never melt. None of us even tried to give the warmth to melt it. I use to indulge my self in household work and Dilip in his work. He used to take tuition classes after coming back from College. We lived in the same house, slept in the same room but were far apart. I was more of a mother and a daughter in law. He always searched for Veena in Me and was never able to find. I never tried to become Veena for her nor did I ever tried to replace her. He has closed all the doors to his heart and I never tried to open them even.

Ishant was the only reason for us to smile. Every thing was going ok when after 7 years of our so called wedding I came to know that Veena’s marriage has ended up in a divorce and she is back in town. In a normal marriage this news would have brought a sense  of insecurity but it didn’t bothered me much.

Life was going as it was going before, only change was Dilip started two late evening home tuitions. Now he use to come back at 10:00 pm instead of 8:00 pm. Later on some relative, neighbor or known person would talk about finding Dilip in Market Place or some mall with a lady. I knew these were not rumors but I always denied from these in front of others.

 

Three years later.

After two days was the Ishant’s 10^th birthday. I had arranged a party for his school friends. We went to a newly opened mall near university area to buy party dress for Ishant. I and Ishant were sitting in the food court at second floor when I saw Dilip coming out of a shop hand in hand with a woman. It didn’t took me a second to guess she was Veena. I hid myself behind the pillar and glanced at both of them from behind.  It seemed like they were made for each other. Dillip seemed to be happy. How happy and satisfied they both were looking. I got encircled by the thoughts that why I couldn’t bring this happiness in Dilip’s life.

Suddenly I noticed the bulging out tummy of Veena. Oh My God she was pregnant around 5^th or 6^th month. I was watching them constantly, spell bound as if hypnotized. The world around doesn’t seems to exist for me. Suddenly voice of Ishant brought me back to this world. He was shouting to the fullest pitch “PAPA”. Dilip heard it, He looked at the side from where the voice was coming. Finally he spotted us, our eyes met and suddenly a sense of guilt replaced his pretty smile. I looked at Veena, we exchanged expressionless glance. I rushed out of the mall pulling Ishant furiously. On the way to home Ishant asked many questions for which I didn’t had any answer I could only tell him that Papa was with his colleague and went there to buy a surprise gift for him.

After reaching home I closed myself in my room and cried full heartily. The only picture was in front of me was of  Dilip’s smiling face. After almost 15 minutes door bell ranged  I wiped off my tears washed my face and rushed to open the door and to my expectation Dilip was  standing outside with a guilt on his face and not smile. His that look shattered me, tears started bursting from my eyes. I felt as if somebody has nailed my soul 100 times. I couldn’t breath. My heart was being clutched by something unseen. I rushed to my room and Dilip followed me. I composed myself with great effort and sat on the chair. Dilip sat next to me with his head down the only words he uttered were

“I am sorry but I couldn’t help it”.

And then happened the worst thing Mom entered the room on her wheel chair. She sensed the tension between us as started asking endless questions “What has happened Aarti why are you crying and why Dilip came back so early”  on and on and on.

Both of us were dead silent. We knew its worthless to stay silent or to lie as truth is going to come out its better it gets revealed right now. Dilip told every thing to Mom. That evening’s conversation I can still hear whenever I close my eyes.

Mom : Dilip you will have to leave that bi*ch

Dilip : That is not possible now

Mom : Aarti Why don’t you say something. Speak something my child

I remained silent didn’t know what to speak. Tears were rolling down of my cheeks I was sitting in the chair constantly staring my palms.

Mom : (sobbing continuously)  Aarti my child why you didn’t told me any thing if you knew it. I had pushed you in this wedding I have spoiled your life my dear. Oh god what shall I do.

She held my face in her palms.

“I am sorry , I am really sorry you have served me with full affection like your own mother and look what my son did with you”  said mom and embraced  me.

“Dilip you had left no space for me to go in this world. I will not be able face Aarti. This is all you have given her in reward of her affection and dedication” Mom fell down from her wheel chair after saying these words

Mom could not get up of the bed after that day. None of us spoke on this topic again.

We decided to send Ishant to hostel to keep him away from the situation till the time he grows up and able to understand it. My only toy, my reason to smile, my reason to live shoved away from me. I used to wait for the whole 11 months for just 1 month when Ishaan used to come back home for his summer vacations. In that one month we use to try our best that truth shall not get revealed.

******

Ishant was on summer vacations after his class XIIth when Mom’s regret finally took her away from us. He joined the Preparatory classes of Engineering in Delhi only. None of our reason and excuses helped us to convince him to continue his studies from outside Delhi.  One day finally he came to know what we were trying to hide from him for last 7 years.  That was the most unfateful day of my life. The hatred I saw in his eyes for his father was unbearable for me. I couldn’t explain him anything. I never knew how and when I will gather courage to speak up. Speak up that it is not only his fault. It was me who could never be an aid for his wounds when he needed. It was me who never had the confidence to through her Ex’s out of his life. It was me who always believed that he is not mine. I could never convert a forced marriage in a happy marriage.

But was it mine fault only? Was I in an age where I could understand the delicacy of our relationship? At that time I was buried under the ashes of my burnt dreams and totally shattered after losing my only companion my most beloved Dadi. For me it was like I was picked up from the shade of a tree and was thrown right in the center of the dessert.

And was it only my responsibility to mend the broken pieces of our life. Couldn’t Dilip take the first step.

There was broad gap between both us which got filled with frozen water through which we could only see each other. The chillness had frozen our ears, hearts, senses and mind we could not hear each others cries, could feel the pain and couldn’t understand the needs of each other.

He was under the sheet of guilt of betraying me. And I had my own guilt. The guilt, that my marriage is a failure because I never tried to accomplish it, Nor did I ever tried to move out of Dilip’s life so he could have spent a happy life with Veena. He became a culprit in eyes of his mother just because of me. And now his lifeline his son hates him only because of me. These thoughts put pushed some more nails onto my soul. The pain was now unbearable.  I could literally listen my soul shouting “Release me please release me”

Dilip never intended to get separated from Me. He knew I have nobody to count upon other than him, Nor I can make a living on my own.

God had really been unfair to both of us. He sometimes writes some stories to entertain himself.

I wanted to get rid of that pain and set my soul free. I somehow gather the courage and called Dilip. He picked up the phone but didn’t speak. I was also silent what we both could hear was the sound of our breath. After half of minute Dilip asked Aarti are you allright. Do you want something”

and all of a sudden I uttered “Divorce”

“What” Dilip said.

After a pause I said  “Yes I want Divorce”

Dilip : Why now

Aarti : I cant take the pain anymore.

Dilip : What would you do after leaving me and what about Ishant he hates me so much he will neither stay with me nor will he accept my support if we get separated. What will happen to his future.

I had no answer.

Dilip: Aarti I promised my dying mother to always take care of you. Let the things go as they are going.

Ishant cleared the entrance and went to kanpur for his engineering and I was left alone with all my pain and grieves.

He opted for a PG in kanpur instead of Hostel. I used to go there once a year to stay with him for 2-3 days. He never visited Delhi during his Engineering studies. During his second year when I visited kanpur he introduced me to Lipika. She was a BBA student and use to Live in the same PG. A pretty girl Confident & intelligent blend of beauty & brain in perfect equation. I too liked her.

Ishant had told her every thing about Me & Dilip. One day she asked me if I would mind have Coffee with her. I welcomed her invitation. She took to her PG Room. A tidy & sweet room. She left me alone and moved out of the room. After five minutes she came back with two cup of coffee and some chips.

I thought you will take to some famous coffee shop of kanpur

What for? I make the best Coffee in world, at least Ishant says so. She said blushing.

We talked about her family, Her childhood and her ambitions. She had a good sense of humor and cracked jokes in between the talk. That day I laughed a lot, I laughed full heartedly. I have never laughed after my wedding. I was same 6 years old Aarti who use to laugh her heart out on her mother’s gags.

She held my hand and said you look so pretty when you laugh. Suddenly a tear rolled out of my eye and I started sobbing. Lipika embraced me and I started crying like a baby. She held me tight and said speak up, break the barrier let it come out. You don’t know how it is harming you and Ishant in turn.

I can’t see him, I can’t see him bearing so much of pain, buried in guilt. I want to set him free. I want to set my soul free.  He was never mine I never wanted him to be mine. He is happy with her. I want to see him laughing, enjoying his life because I love him I truly love him.

Lipika dragged my head in her lap. She kept soothing me. Her touch was acted like an ointment on the wounds.  I didn’t knew when I slept there.

Aunty Aunty.

I opened my eyes and saw I was in Lipika’ room she was standing in front of me with a cup of coffee in front of me.

You know you had been sleeping for 6 hours wake up its almost dinner time. Said Lipika

6 Hrs. A sound sleep of 6 hrs. I don’t know when I had slept for this long last time.

When did I slept – I asked Lipika.

Leave it Have this coffee. Ishant is waiting for you in his room. He had called 10 times. He is so worried as if I have kidnapped you.

Both of us started laughing. At that moment only I decided Lipika is going be the better half of my son.

Ishant came to Delhi after ten months of joining his job on an official tour. I asked him to come home for dinner for which he agreed. I spent the whole day in kitchen cooking his favorite dishes. At around 7:00 door bell rang, I opened the door and he stepped in his own house after 5 years.

Dilip couldn’t controlled his emotions on seeing Ishant. Despite of knowing the Ishant’s hatred for him he embraced him. In return Ishant tried to get out of grip of his father forcefully. This made Dilip stumble and he fell on the ground. In an instant reaction I moved forward and forced a Slap on Ishant’s face.

Is this the way to treat you father.

I yelled and rushed towards my room. I had expected Ishant to come behind me but in contrary he rushed out of house in full furry.

I kept on waiting but he didn’t turned back. I had been crying for almost two hours when Dilip entered in the room. He sat beside me.

He is really upset with me. If you would have told me that he is coming I would have moved out. Said Dilip

No I shouldn’t be here. Here in your house, in your life or may be in this world. I said sobbing.

Dilip looked at me astonished.

I don’t know what had happened to me. I just Poured my heart out that day. I kept on talking and Dilip stood still over there listening.

What have I given you pain just pain. I am a heavy burden tied across your neck. Which you can’t get rid of. I kept you away from your love. I made you fall in eyes of your beloved. Throw this burden away, Throw me away. Please let me go, Let me go if not for you for me. I know I have nowhere to go so what I, at most I will die. Here I am dying every moment. Please set me free if not for you for me please Dilip please. I fell on his feet folding my hands.

Dilip was stunned. After a moment when I get composure I stood up instantly and moved out from there.

Two days later Dilip come to me and told me that he has spoken to the lawyer for our Divorce. But he will sign the divorce papers on one term that I will not refuse for alimony  and will not deny any help from him.

I thought I always wanted this but did I really wanted this. Whatever I actually wanted could never have been realized.

Lipika called in that evening I told her about Dilip’s decision. She asked me to come to Banglore but I refused. I didn’t wanted to be a burden on them.

Days past we submitted our divorce papers in family court. One evening Lipika called in and asked whether I would like to this job. I firstly got hesitated, Lipika kept on convincing me. After much of her efforts I agreed.

 

The extension phone of my room rang. On the other side was Neera.

“Maam dinner is served please come downstairs.”

I had dinner with Mr. & Mrs. Bhalla, against my expectations they didn’t asked me about my background or reason for joining this job. Instead we had a light chit chat. There behavior made me feel comfortable.

Next day when I woke up I was feeling lighter, lighter then ever. My heart was not aching, the never ending scorching of my inner self was not there. I looked out  from the window. There were little birds flying and so was I in my own sky.

__END__